Cruod Advice
by Bluben
Summary: In which Hiccup needs some advice and all of his friends give the worst advice known to man. Thrice. Modern AU Hiccstrid. Rated M for slight nudity and coarse language.


When you click humour but all you can do for humour is just bad jokes.

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**"Cru-od"**** Advice**

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"You're fucking around, right?" He said after a moment of silence, his brain finally catching up with the moment with those string of words that makes sense but really doesn't make sense.

The person confidently replied, "Not at all. You should do it." The person looks so smug as they leaned back, the beer still in their right hand as they smiled a shit-eating grin. He sighs, why did he do this?

…

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…

"Love you, babe! I'll see you later!" He heard her as she seemed to be getting ready to leave the house. He himself is just in the kitchen about to enjoy his day off. Well, he tries to sell that image and does that perfectly as he raises his eyes to find his girlfriend of 5 years staring at him. He's been doing a small sandwich as she's about to go to work. She basically skips towards him and kisses him on the cheek and crushes his cheeks with her hands.

"Now enjoy your day off. You deserve it."

"Astrid, I get plenty of days off. I might do some work anyways." He tries to smile with her hands still crushing his cheeks as she gives off a fake glare. Living with her for the past three years has really made him distinguish the differences between fake and real looks.

"Alright," she said, releasing her hold. "I should be back—"

"By around five…ish," he finished her sentence and smiled at her girlfriend. "Come on Astrid. You don't want to be late, do you?" She softens her look as she gives a quick peck to him before dashing away from the kitchen.

"Love you!"

"Love you too!" He yelled at her as he hears the doors close and drops the smile. He has had a small problem that he can never find the solution for. It's something that he doesn't want Astrid to know. It isn't something major, well, no. It is something major as he sighs.

He doesn't know if he should pop the question.

It's been bothering him for a while when he gets to think of the relationship that he's had with Astrid. He's scared that maybe this relationship won't last forever and that they might get a divorce and just stop being friends and she'll have to move out of this house and then their friends may have to begin picking sides and—

The point is he doesn't want to commit to something like that without being 100% sure about this.

Which is why he wants to go visit his friend to talk about his small predicament. Just finish the sandwich and just talk to Fred about this whole situation. Hopefully, he should be available and then Fred will give him a clear cut answer and boom, this whole situation will be resolved and the decision he will make, he will make with 100% of his mind.

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…

Fred is not giving him a clear-cut answer.

He's been at his house for about a couple of hours, half an hour spent on talking about the situation and the best kind of answer he got from Fred was a simple,

"I don't know Hiccup."

He almost wants to strangle his best friend since kindergarten. Although he was overweight when he was younger, he went into a rigid schedule to try to better himself physically. Even though it seems like he's still a bit round, that is just almost pure muscles. Yet his biggest muscles were the one in his head. This time though, it seems like his brain isn't on his head at the moment.

Yet he still tried, wanting to get this problem solved as it has been hurting him with the sleep schedule and slowly but surely, been affecting his work ethics.

"I mean, you guys have been together for what, four years?" Fred said as he drank his tea. His relaxing posture on the couch really not helping him one bit as it seems like he's actually clueless.

He runs his fingers through his hair as he looks at his mug of pure water. "Five years actually."

"Well then, do you guys always fight?"

"Of course we do, but it's resolved at the end of the day the majority of times." He's actually quite happy at how they find a solution or how they get rid of their stubbornness around each other and confess with each other.

"Do you guys go out every now and then?"

"Yeah. We're planning to go to the amusement park this weekend." He seems to be answering these questions correctly, well it sounds correct, and maybe he can get somewhere with this.

"Do you really feel like the spark won't go away?" Fred seems to be more and surer of something that's going on his head. He nodded to the question and Fred nodded to his movement of the head.

"I don't know Hic." And he groaned at that, really disliking those three words. Well, four if you want to be exact. Based on the questions that were being thrown at him, he thought he was going somewhere. He guesses is just another dead end with those types of questions.

Frustrated, he gets up from the couch, the mug of water completely forgotten as he grabs his coat. "I'm going out. Thanks for the help, Fred."

"Hey, Hiccup." He hummed to Fred as he was grabbing his stuff to go somewhere else and hopefully find his answer. As he was rummaging through everything, Fred was talking to him.

"Just know that Astrid loves you and you love her. That's my perspective on your relationship. If you can keep the spark going, then there's nothing that should stop you from popping the question."

He stopped at the door of the house, hearing his words. He thought about it long and hard and unlocked the door. "Thanks, Fred." He said softly, not turning back. "I really needed that." And he opened the door.

All he got was "you forgot your water" and shut the door behind him, the cool air of Berk hitting him in full stride as he shook his head.

Who puts water in a mug?

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…

He doesn't know why he thought this was a good idea.

He wasn't smoking but he might as well have been considering the fact that he's visiting the twins, a great idea if you're into the house smelling like weed and surprise, surprise, they were smoking.

"Man, you really need to loosen up Hic." Said the male twin, Tuff. Legally changed to that and he's honestly surprised he's got a stable job somewhere. "Like, loose. Loose like a goose."

"I don't think that's how the phrase goes. Or _a_ phrase goes." He muttered to the male twin. He thought that these two would give him some type of direction but just ten minutes in, he's not sure if this was the best idea he had.

"Just think." The female twin, Ruff, who also legally changed her name, again surprised that she's got a stable job, said. "Think for a bit." Then she stopped abruptly. It was a quiet fifteen seconds as he expected something to happen. He was staring at her having her eyes glazed on something interesting on the not so interesting wall. He blinked, expecting something still after twenty seconds. When nothing happened, he broke the silence.

"Think what?"

"About the loose goose." She dazedly said and he just moaned in disgust at this. Why is he trying to get some advice from them? Why did he think this was a good idea? Why is he _still here!?_

"But can you imagine?" Tuff said after another moment of silence. It was just a seven-second silence this time as he deadpanned,

"Imagine the loose goose?"

"No," Tuff looked in disgust at him, as if he said something utterly disgusting. "What the fuck are you saying? No, no," every no was with a soft tap of his hand on the table that they were all sitting around. Well, he was sitting on a chair, the twins were sitting criss-cross applesauce on the floor. "What I'm trying to say is can you imagine fucking a 40-year-old Astrid?"

A pause.

Then a reaction.

"_**What?!**_"

"Yeah," Tuff said. "I mean, think about it. Sure, Astrid would probably be the type that's more athletic and all that but… She's forty. Can you imagine tapping that?"

"_What?_" A more quiet response as he's trying to process the words that Tuff is saying.

"Dude," the female twin said, "rarely do I say this but please, do shut the fuck up."

"I'm just saying…" As they argued among each other, his words did get to register the second time as he tried to imagine a forty-year-old Astrid. Would it be the same type of blond hair? Does it change over time? It probably does. And the fact that she's probably got just a couple of wrinkles. Heck, he might have more wrinkles than her in general. She does take good care of herself. Would _she_ want to fuck _him_ when he's forty? He bit his lip as he spirals down and shakes his head to dissolve all thoughts.

"Alright," he said, not caring if he disturbed an argument or anything of the likes with these two idiots. He just doesn't want to continue this train of thought. "Thank you for reminding me why I don't come here often."

"Just be a loose goose." The male twin said, "the loosest of a goose."

"Gotcha." He replied weakly as he coughed a bit. Looking at the time as it was almost noon and his resolution has gotten nowhere. If anything, he's probably just a bit more confused than usual and he doesn't think that's a good idea in any sense of the way.

"Just see your cousin." The female twin said. "He probably can't give you much worse advice than this idiot."

He nodded, the best advice he was given by there two as he opened the door and just said a quiet bye. Nothing came out of their mouths and for once was he grateful for that.

But the moment he shut the door did he hear some commotion.

"Tell me you wouldn't fuck a forty-year-old Astrid," Tuffnut said.

And he shook his head, quickening his pace as he doesn't want to hear this talk one bit.

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…

He knocked on the door, not really knowing if his cousin might be here at the moment considering the fact that it's around one o'clock and he doesn't really know his cousin's schedule that well.

His cousin opened the door, about to say some words when he looked at Hiccup wide-eyed, probably surprised by the fact that _he_ was here.

"Hiccup," he said shell-shocked. "What are you doing here?"

"Hey Snot." Snotlout is his nickname. His official name is Scott but his nickname always stuck to him so he said his nickname. His cousin doesn't mind it one bit and he won't stop using that to call him if his cousin doesn't mind it.

"Hey." He said. "Um, come on in." His cousin opened the door to reveal his house and he's not surprised by the pigsty that is his house. Cans of beer on every flat surface there was as the main thing he could see is just the living room, the sofa being on the opposite wall across him being another noticeable thing. There's a smaller couch on the right of the other sofa as the wall opposite of it had a TV that's just turned off.

"So what's up?" His cousin said after closing the door. He sighed and headed for the couch that looked towards the TV and sat down, feeling extra heavy probably because of the inward weight he has.

"It's something to do with me and Astrid."

"Oh boy." Snotlout said as he went away from Hiccup's vision then returned later with two cans of beer. He was going to refuse but Snotlout rebutted his quiet refusal. "Nope. Just drink and tell me what's wrong. As you know, I'm a lady's man and I know exactly how to get Astrid to do your dirty fetishes."

He blinked. "No." He said sharply. "This has nothing to do with fetishes, although if I do have those problems, you'd be my _first_ option." He'd rather not comment on the fact that he's his third one. Even the twins were before him and that's saying quite a lot of things on that very sentence.

"Then?" Snotlout said, encouraging him to go on with his hand stretched out, waiting for him to tell him the situation as his can of beer was already open.

He glanced at his beer, thinking that maybe just one beer considering the fact that he has to drive back home and he realizes with a slight disgust that it's _one o'clock_. Nevertheless, he proceeded to open the can of beer, a small crack being heard.

"I don't know whether to pop the question or not."

And then Snotlout just spit his drink out, landing on the table in front of the couches. He widened his eyes at this, not really expecting that kind of reaction from his cousin, to begin with, and being slightly confused on how to react. "Okay…"

"You're what?" Snot said, using his sleeve to clean his chin as he disregards the mess he did with the table.

"I don't know whether I should pop the question to her."

"How is this a problem?" Snot said with a slightly louder voice. "I'm not seeing a problem, just pop the question. Shit, I can't recall when you _weren't_ with Astrid."

He rolled his eyes at his cousin, "that's not what I came here. The reason I came here is that I don't know whether we would last a long time together."

"What makes you say that?" Snot said, sipping his beer afterwards slower than the first time.

"I don't know if the relationship might stay forever. I don't know if we'd be together for a good time, you know?" He took a quick sip of the beer, not really hating nor liking the taste of it.

"Then why are you here?" Snotlout said out of the blue after a small silence. His body was basically moulding into the couch as he lazily sipped his beer away. "You want me to give you some tips on how to propose? You want me to tell you what I think?"

He angrily sighed, this isn't going anywhere. "I just want you to tell me if it's worth it."

His cousin looked at the table, the mess probably not even registering as his eyes looked distant, as if he's thinking of something. Then he had an evil smile that didn't make him comfortable.

"Alright. You want to know if you can pop the question?" At his nod, his cousin continued. "Then just jerk off twice and think if you can marry her."

"What?"

"Yeah." Snotlout said, sipping his beer and giving some extra seconds for Hiccup to process this. "Jerk yourself twice and ask yourself if you can see yourself with her in the future."

Some silence. He's actually just messing with his head as he took a small gulp, really regretting this decision of him coming all over here just to hear this bullshit from his cousin.

"You're fucking around, right?" He said, his brain finally catching up with the action that his cousin is implying. His cousin wants him to masturbate just because why?

Snotlout leaned back, "Not at all. You should do it." He seemed so smug as he looked towards his beer. He just had one thought as he broke his attention from Snotlout to the beer.

_I'm never asking my friends for advice._

Alright, so maybe this is a huge joke for Snotlout but damn this is probably the best advice he's been given since the whole ordeal that is happening with him visiting everyone. Nonetheless, even though that might be the shittiest advice he might have received (his mind casually recalls the fact about him being a loose goose and the shittiest advice award may have been changed), he might as well do that so that his mind can imagine itself that this was not a day wasted away.

"Yeah okay." He said, putting the full beer on the table and stretching a bit. "I'll do that. Thanks, Snot."

"Yeah, yeah." Snotlout said. "Just remember if she said yes, that's all on me."

His face lost all expression as he turned towards his cousin who has a smug grin and his free hand doing a finger gun. He clicked and winked at the same time and he just rolled his eyes. "Right…" He looked at the clock and realized that it's one thirty and he should probably be heading home.

"I should go." He said to the clock but his peripheral vision saw Snotlout shrug his shoulders. He looked at Snot to see him looking at the can as if that contains hidden code to something. "We'll stay in touch." He said to the absent-minded cousin and he just nodded.

"Just don't jerk off to weird shit cause I can totally imagine you doing that."

"Bye." He said abruptly as he got his coat and opened the door to leave towards the cool air of Berk.

Thankfully, Snotlout didn't have any final words to say as he got ready to drive, the advice stuck to his mind like glue. Whether or not he wants to do it is something that's real and physical and doesn't require any mental thinking. Just jerk off.

Now he'll just search for a blonde haired blue eyed pornstar when he gets home.

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…

He feels awkward sitting in front of his laptop.

In the living room, just his pants pulled down a slight bit as his dick is out, all limp and to the side as if it doesn't even want to exist and he sighs, not really knowing why he's doing this, to be frank.

Nevertheless, he began searching for a website as he begins to softly stroke with his left hand, awkwardly at first but then finally getting into it. He just started to look for a regular guy on girl, remembering the not so subtle comment of Snotlout's hitting him slightly as he just clicked on a video and then started to concentrate to jerking off.

As much as he is regretting this decision, he still came some five minutes later and grabbed a tissue to clean himself up. Then a small problem came to him.

How much time between the second jerk off? Is it two consecutive? Or do you wait for like an hour and then you go again? Do you just calm down for five minutes and then off you go for another website?

His mind quickly racing, he didn't notice the door opening but he did notice the gasp that came afterwards and he looked up from his laptop to find his girlfriend with her eyes wide

"Uh!" He loudly said as he got up, revealing his manhood to her and wincing at the sound of the laptop hitting the ground. Astrid is familiar with it but usually in the bedroom and not in the living room as he cringes at how bad this looks. He takes a glance at the time and realizes that it's five o'clock and he really wanted to facepalm. He turns his head towards her and gulps loudly. "Hi?"

"Sorry," was her quiet response. "I just didn't expect this to be the sight you know?"

Some awkward silence as all was heard was him zipping up his pants as he tries to say something to his girlfriend. "Right. Sorry. Um, yeah." He said as he just got his laptop with the home page of a porn site, making him smash the laptop closed as his face couldn't get any hotter. "I guess I'll go. Bye."

And he left without letting Astrid say another word, his embarrassment going full force as he just entered the bedroom.

"Gods." He said to himself as he just put the laptop somewhere that isn't easily visible so that he can't recall what just happened. Even though he only jacked off once and didn't do it again for the second time, his resolution came at the fact that he wouldn't mind fucking a forty-year-old Astrid and he loudly sigh.

"What the fuck Tuff." He said to himself.

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…

"Mind telling me why you were jacking off?" She kicked off the conversation straight to the point as she was eating a salad at the dinner table, her face somewhat moulded between curiosity and general worry. He sighed as he just dropped the fork and started to massage his face as if doing so could forget what happened.

"It's nothing," he said through his hands as he grabbed his fork and tried eating.

"Hmm." She said, sort of just picking at her food this time as if trying to find a new way to try to get the conversation. Of course, he doesn't see that, he can just hear the metal touching plate too many times that she has to be doing that. "Does this have to do with you being slightly moppy all around the house this past couple of weeks?"

"What?" He said, looking up to see her face in a contemplative state. How does she know? "What do you mean?"

"Don't play dumb Hic." She said as she lowers her fork, something that means that this conversation is about to get serious and he also lowers his fork to give her his full attention. "You think I haven't noticed? The fact that you just keep staring into a wall, rarely do much but just give me fake smiles? What's up?"

He coughs, not knowing how to really tell her what's up. It's something that he wanted to keep as a surprise and he just scratches the back of his head as he looks towards her plate. "I guess I'm just thinking too much about work."

Silence.

"Right…" She said, going right through the visage. "Is it something about me?"

"Yes..?" He said more as a question than a statement. "No..? I don't know."

"I can help you if you'd want." He sighs, knowing that Astrid is going to keep pushing and just gives up on hiding it.

"I didn't know if I want to marry you."

Another silence.

"What?" She says, sounding hurt and then he realized how he structured that sentence and he went wide-eyed looking at her. "No, no, not like that. No, I meant like," he's gesticulating, his hands pointing at her. "Like, ugh. I don't know if this spark between us will keep going on forever and I don't want us to divorce and having our friends split between the two and the fact that we may never talk again and I don't mind fucking a forty-year—"

His monologue got interrupted by a moving blonde that sat on his lap and starting to make his lips do different things than talking. Their make out was unexpected but a pleasant surprise as he closes his eyes to try to fight off the attack of hers. Before it went too deep did she break apart and he opens his eyes to find her blue orbs staring right back at him.

"Will you marry me?" She said and his eyes went wide again. Man, the number of times that it went wide today is too much. He then just remembered Tuff's comment and he blinked a couple of times, focusing finally on her blue eyes and just muttered something softly. "Of course."

Then she gave off the biggest smile he'd ever seen on her in quite a while. Even though he says that he probably is giving her a big smile himself as he can't believe he's going to marry _Astrid Hofferson!_ Damn. He laughs a bit and as she's about to lean in, she punches his right arm.

"Ow! Fuck!"

"That's for waiting years! That was your biggest worry?" She half-heartedly yelled at him, arms crossed still sitting on his lap.

"What was your biggest worry?" He muttered to her as he began to rub the arm, his eyes staring right at her eyes, his face probably in some type of hurt cause that punch really did hurt. When the silence still continued and he saw how her eyes were looking at him but seemed to be deep somewhere in her brain.

"I guess, just wondering if you'd ever pop the question. I thought I wasn't good enough for you."

He laughed sarcastically. "You're more than good enough Astrid, you're perfect. As for the popping the question, well I guess you did that for me. Amazing ring by the way," he said sarcastically with a smile as she just chuckled before kissing him lightly. As she pulls away, he realized that maybe his friends may give him the worst advice in the century but at least when he adds a few his Hiccups to said advice, he could do some progress with his life. Then the more he thinks about it, maybe their advice wasn't the worst advice in the world.

"What were you saying about you not minding fucking a forty-year-old person?"

Actually, scratch that. He will never listen to Tuff again.

…

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**This story came into my head when I hear the joking mantra of if you can't decide if you like her for her looks or for her personality, jerk off twice and then really think if you like her.**

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** Started Nov. 1****st,**** 2018**

**Finished Feb. 8th****,**** 2019**

**Published Feb. 9th, 2019**

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**Soooo…. What the fuck happened to "Marriage(!)?"? Well after I sent out the last chapter. (Chapter six,) Chapter seven and eight were already done and ready to be sent. Except they weren't. There was a review that really made me think that are these characters really being in characters and are they really acting the way they would act if it was canon? I swallowed my pride and ego and swallowed the bitter pill that the reviewer was correct by the fact that they were out of character. And then I started to rewrite and rewrite and rewrite Ch. 7 to the point that I think there are a bit too many minutes on that document, something I'm not willing to admit it myself. Also, the school was taking a toll and I purposely missed the deadline for the universities so that I could take a year off and really think about what I wanted to do with my life. So don't look now but Marriage will have just one chapter as the other chapters are going to get deleted off the website so that it can really have a better review of how they should act and **_**why**_** they should act how they act. For the moment, as I'm writing this, there are currently six chapters but don't be surprised if there's only Chapter One as I'm doing something I should've done long time ago and something that I want to apologize to everyone who did follow and favourite Marriage!? For the fact that I was irresponsible and did not write out the plan. As a stubborn person, the plotline was all in the head and when school was taking a hit and deciding what to do with my life, well then the plot slowly but surely disappeared from my brain as it was focused on school. So right now, Marriage!? Is in the notepad for me as I'm writing down the scenes that are supposed to happen and the plotline of the story. There shouldn't be much change from the new chapters to these chapters but I want to be more **_**realistic**_** than what it was, something I owe my thanks to the Guest Reviewer out there who wrote a whole paragraph. So if that guest reviewer is willing to give his time, then I am willing to give time to Marriage!? Once I find the time. For the moment though, life is just busy and I'm hoping from country to country this month to view the premiere of HTTYD3 and so there should be progress with the note writing but not the story writing. Don't be surprised not having updates on Marriage!? (I'm so sorry, really please do forgive me) for the next couple of months with me rewriting the story Marriage!? Alongside another story called Secretive which will be updated on the author's page. **

**TL;DR: A reviewer made me rewrite the whole story Marriage!? For it to be more realistic and I want to change the story so that it can have a deeper impact while adding a bit more humour to the thing (especially Hiccup's side).**


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